Time for a new tribe? When to leave outdated alliances for a truly supportive community

Do you feel like you’ve outgrown your circle of friends? Maybe you no longer feel safe or don’t understand. There may be fewer and fewer things you can share with people in your usual circle, and it makes you feel lonely or isolated. If so, you are not alone. Welcome to one of the core dynamics of continued growth!

As we continue to evolve, many of us struggle with the feeling of not quite fitting in with our traditional community or tribe: we may have expanded or changed beyond the boundaries of tribal norms and no longer find the same sense of belonging there. Other members may have tightened tribal rules to foster a sense of security. As a result, we may feel a sense of disconnection or alienation.

In truth, each of us belongs to many tribes simultaneously: there is your original tribe, the family you were born into, and then there are all the communities of choice you have joined: your work tribe, your social circles, your faith-based community, your neighborhood, and more. These communities are not static; they are in continuous flux because they consist of individuals who are in continuous states of change. When many changes occur in the individual or in the community, a sense of dissonance occurs.

How are we going to deal with this? First, it is important to recognize that tribal loyalties were historically forged in order to survive. They were adapted over the centuries to ensure the safety and survival of the group. Survival required that individuation be sacrificed for security.

In modern society, the tables are turned. Whether we enjoy it or not, change is essential for survival at all levels of being. The pace of change is driven by technological advances, and it is happening faster and faster: Sociologists estimate that more change has occurred in society in the past 100 years than in the entire previous 6,000 years. Individual adaptation is now a requirement for survival, and the rate of individual change does not always match the rate at which our various tribal communities evolve. The resulting dissonance can cause intense friction and pain.

Dissonance also results from the confusion between the concepts of ‘connection’ and ‘community’. We tend to equate one with the other, when they really are related to different qualities. Connection is related to connectivity: the objective physical technology or media that allows us to build a community, but does not represent the quality of that community. Connectivity simply offers the opportunity to connect with others through the Internet, text messages, phone calls, or any other social networking option.

Community is the result of building a relationship through meaningful interaction over time. There is no shortcut; it is a process that develops when the bonds of trust and intimacy are nurtured and respected.

And herein lies a caveat: when we confuse connectedness with community, we depersonalize the sacred nature of true community and begin to relate to people as objects. Instead of developing intimacy over time, we collect friends on social networking sites or try to buy people’s loyalty. However, friendship is simply an act of connection; does not create intimacy.

In fact, social experiments indicate that technology-dominated connectivity results in alienation and social collapse over time. In a groundbreaking social experiment conducted by Josh Harris, one of the founders of Internet social networking, he found that the more people’s private lives were exposed by 24/7 technology, the more their sense of intimacy and relatedness deteriorated until the community collapsed in violence and self-destructive behavior.

It’s time to review our concepts of community so that we can create tribes that offer a true sense of intimacy and belonging.

In his 1987 book, The different drum: creation of community and peace, psychologist M. Scott Peck described several central characteristics of true community. Beyond the obvious components of inclusion, engagement, and participatory consensus, Peck pointed to the quality of embracing diversity through realism. When each member brings their own unique point of view from a place of humility and goodwill, the community benefits from a broader perspective in which to better understand the full context of a situation. In other words, mutual tolerance helps members embrace each other’s different points of view as an integral part of the whole, rather than imposing forced conformity on groupthink or cohesion.

In an environment like this, members experience and express compassion and mutual respect. They allow others to share their vulnerability, learn and grow, and express who they really are. When a conflict arises, they learn to resolve it with wisdom and grace. Members listen to and respect each other’s gifts, accept each other’s limitations, celebrate their differences, and commit to finding solutions together rather than fighting each other. In fact, the true spirit of community is the spirit of peace, love, wisdom, and power. The source of this spirit can be seen as a consequence of the collective self or as the manifestation of a Higher Will.

Does this description of community sound spiritual to you? In fact, it is, because Spirit is the common denominator between all of us, regardless of how separated we feel from others.

As human beings, we often experience a socioeconomic sense of separation from others due to differing opinions, beliefs, expectations, language, culture, or interests, as each of us expresses them in a unique way that is different from others. And yet, we continue to differentiate ourselves! In this ongoing process, we continue to evolve or involute in response to life. A community that seemed like a good fit last year may no longer work today; the places where we feel embraced can now suffocate us. Over the course of a lifetime, we can expect to overcome and shift loyalties to many of the tribal communities to which we once belonged.

And yet, when we transcend the layers of physical appearance, mental beliefs, and socioeconomic conditioning, we find in the presence of Spirit a common denominator in all those around us. Perhaps it is time to expand our tribal definitions to encompass a spiritual community that includes all of humanity as children of God.

Mother Teresa advised her nuns to see Jesus in every leper they encountered, to find His presence by looking into the eyes of the homeless. When we can look beyond the issues that divide us to find the omnipresent Divinity in each other, we will discover the foundations of true community.

The spiritual community transcends all boundaries, beliefs, and socioeconomic backgrounds. It is inclusive because it operates with voluntary self-responsibility and mutual compassion, and its doors are open to all.

Building this kind of community takes time: time to listen, listen, respond, and participate. Take a few minutes to reread the description of the spiritual community. Then, make time in your life to foster that kind of connection with the people you care about. You are one of the architects of the community in your life and you can participate in the construction of a tribe to which you belong.