The right relationship with the wrong person

Have you ever tried your best in a relationship and it never seems good enough for your partner? I see this at least once a week in my practice. He/she will come in and talk about how they feel burned out from not giving up and never getting anything back. To make matters worse, their social circle is almost non-existent now because they are trying to make their partner happy. I tell them they are in the right relationship, just with the wrong person.

How did this happen? We take a person who is ready to settle down and commit to a higher level in a relationship. Then they choose a person who has no desire to reciprocate. Okay, but how does that happen? It usually happens when a well thought out person will overcompensate just for being in a relationship. The sad reality is that women do it more than men. And when they don’t get the attention and/or love they expect, soon all men turn into dogs. Broken, angry and jaded they sit in my office.

This is a critical point in evolution, or the beginning of the decline in your mindset for the rest of your relationships to come. Either they become bitter towards the opposite sex (assuming they are in a heterosexual relationship) or they decide to make better decisions in the future. We’ve all heard the term “why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?” Same principle. Stop giving your love away when it hasn’t been earned.

I think many of us are willing to do almost anything to not be alone. But the real crisis starts when you’re in a less than healthy relationship and feel lonely anyway. That said, raise the bar for what you consider to be acceptable behavior in a relationship. Ok, so how do you do that? We must train ourselves to be comfortable being uncomfortable. The good news is that this process does not take long.

You start streaming events or hanging out with people just to have something to do. If you’re not a big drinker, but spend your weekends at a bar, guess what? Feelings of satisfaction will be few and far between. If, on the other hand, you were to do something else in your wheelhouse {despite being alone}, you’ll start to see the difference in the way you think. Sure, at first you will miss the company of another person to share it with. But gone are the days when he felt disrespected, unheard, or just plain drained. And if you keep this up, you will soon discover that you will not tolerate being with people and in environments that leave you feeling bad.

The beautiful thing about this exercise is that you become better at reading yourself. By doing so, you quickly discern who takes away or adds value to your life. I’m not talking so much about the ordinary people in your life. I’m talking about the person you spend every day with in a committed relationship. There will be people that we all have to put up with who are energy zappers. But, the person you associate with should not, under any circumstances, be one of them. And yes, there will be times when your partner hits you too. But, if you have fully invested in this exercise, your partner hitting you will be a rare occurrence.

So if you find yourself in a relationship where you are the only giver. Maybe it’s time to try this exercise. Because at the end of the day, nobody wants to be in the right relationship with the wrong person.