My husband wants to separate after I caught him cheating

Sometimes I hear of people suffering from a double whammy. Not only have they discovered that their spouse has been cheating on them or having an affair, but they are also dealing with the fact that their cheating spouse is pressuring them to break up.

I heard from one wife who said, “I found out about three weeks ago that my husband has been cheating on me for about two months. I was hoping he would agree to go to therapy and end the affair, but that’s not what happened. Instead, he said he wants to separate.” because he’s not sure what he wants. He says he needs time to recover and figure out where he wants to go from here. This infuriates me. Frankly, I could have pushed for a breakup first if I wasn’t acting this way. But what? Why did you decide to break up? I feel like you’re just doing this so you can keep seeing the other woman and figure out where your relationship is going. And while it’s weird, now that you want to leave me, I’m determined that you stay. I don’t know why I I feel like this, but I don’t want to break up. I feel like “We need time together to figure this out before we make a decision. Is there anything I can do to change your mind? I’ve thought about giving her ultimatums or trying to make her feel guilty. But I don’t know if any of these things will work because maybe he’s just determined to be with her. That I have to do?”

While I couldn’t tell this wife what she should do (since only she could make this decision), I could offer her some ideas about what her husband might be thinking or what his strategy might be. I will next.

Sometimes, he says that he wants a separation as part of his own strategy:

Often a cheating spouse will suggest a breakup as a way to beat you. She often hopes that her desire for separation means that you don’t want her as a result. The hope is that you will insist that a separation is not necessary. In this way, it has changed the power in the relationship and has taken away your ability to reflect on what you really want. And he knows that it is unlikely that you will be the one to suggest the separation now.

I’m not saying this was definitely the case in this scenario, but it was certainly a possibility. Now, it’s certainly not out of the question that he wants some time apart because he intends to see the other woman. But frankly, giving him an ultimatum or trying to make him feel guilty is unlikely to change his mind. Instead, he can further alienate him so that he is even more motivated to be with her. Your answer really depends on how you want to proceed.

How to respond if you really don’t want to part:

I know this wife insisted that she didn’t want him to move out. But she openly admitted that she herself had initially thought about a break before her husband first mentioned it. She therefore needed to honestly analyze if her reaction was authentic or if she was reacting the way she was out of pain at her actions.

If she decides she really doesn’t want to break up, then she might ask him to take a certain amount of time before moving out. She might say something like, “I understand that you’re confused, but we can’t access where we are if it just takes off without us having time to regroup. Would you agree to delay this decision for a month just to give us a chance to assess where we want to go together?”

The other alternative would be to take a somewhat hard line. The idea is that you draw a line in the sand and let her know that continuing to watch her is not only unacceptable, but if she does, she will lose access to you. To that end, you might want to say something like, “I get that you need some time. I need some time, too. But I need to make it very clear that if you’re dating other women during the breakup, then our relationship will have to be put on hold.” “I can’t try to reconcile with you if I feel like you’re not being faithful to me. So if you have any interest in saving our marriage, then we need to talk in depth about delaying the breakup or setting some boundaries during the breakup.”

Often when he sees that asking for a breakup isn’t going to mean you’re going to beg him not to leave or give him free rein with the other woman, then he starts to lose appeal. And he can move on and start to heal a little faster since that issue is no longer between you.