Hey, we had a deal! Breaking the social contract

Two people recently unfollowed me on LinkedIn. Wah … violins … handkerchief; It is likely that by the time we are 4 years old we will realize that not everyone loves us (although some people may not understand it until much later). No, what really surprised me about this was that the two individuals (who will not be named here) i didn’t say anything about it. They just slipped away in the middle of the night, the social media version of hitting the road.

It got me thinking … this kind of sucks. I realized that I had done it myself once or twice … just disconnected someone’s, albeit for some very specific reasons. At the time, I rationalized that the person involved would be aware of the disconnect, so I wasn’t trying to hide anything, but still. It is not good and I apologize. We owe each other better in these relationships.

In the ensuing discussion on Twitter, vlopezev agreed that disconnecting without warning was not a good way, but asked me: “However, ask, how do you keep track of so many?”, That is, the many connections that I have.

The answer is: imperfectly. It’s a great question that relates precisely to the question of what these relationships really are. is it so. To me, the question sounds like, “With so many connections, how can there be a real relationship to break?” (My usual response to this is a quote from the Dalai Lama: “People often laugh when I say it, but I always want more friends.” Hey, if it’s good enough for him …)

As promised, here’s a bit of how I think about it. Simply put, my theory is “different networks for different types of connections”:

First, Twitter in my eyes is a one-way street. I use it for two-way relationships, as many others do, and I think it should be like that, but structurally, each party has the option to follow the other. Following someone cannot carry the expectation of being followed in return. It is not part of the Twitter design. I tend not to follow people who won’t follow people, but I wouldn’t envy someone for unfollowing me, it’s built into the platform that it could happen. Twitter is casual. The connections come and go. I have great friends that I don’t expect to unfollow on Twitter, and I’d be surprised if they didn’t want to follow me anymore, but I know that could happen.

And yes I have a ton of Twitter connections and no I couldn’t hope to meaningfully engage with many of them (although I think the number you can realistically connect with is much higher than most people) . I think of Twitter as the Chris Brogan hypothesis … as a “serendipity engine.” I’ve written before about the power of “weak ties” … they may not be deep, but they can be deepened quickly and easily. It’s an enhanced pool of possible connections, a discovery mechanism. Which again isn’t to say that I didn’t have a lot of real good friends on Twitter … just that it would be absurd to say I had nearly 7,500 of them. I use a lot of search functions, groups, and hashtags, and it manages to show the same basic groups most of the time. It has a strange kind of efficiency. In any case, it is much more carefree. We invest relatively small amounts of time and energy to have a greater chance of connecting with the people we would like to meet.

In contrast, networks such as LinkedIn and Facebook are two-way streets. They are focused. For me these are mostly based on real world connections and often geographic or physical as both parties need to agree that a relationship exists. This is different from the real world, an important difference. In the real world, you can think of people in terms of a friendship spectrum: best friends, friends from work, occasional friends, friends of friends. In the world of social media, however, you are either in or out. It is binary. Both must choose to open it. Either of you can decide to close it. This is reasonable, of course. No one should get stuck.

However, an agreement like that carries certain social expectations. There is an understanding that when a relationship has been created, it is a good way to say, “Sayonara. Happy Trails. Have a good life.” Whatever … something.

Facebook, LinkedIn, and the others, however, encourage you to think about this fact. In the check-in process, they go out of their way (discreetly) to make sure you know that you always have an anonymous “exit”. If you disconnect or stop being friends, the other person may be able to fix things, but it’s not like a big red email with a trombone sound effect pops up in your inbox saying, “Loser .. . you are depressed”. a friend, and the person who doesn’t like you anymore is … “Nope … you’re a little poorer when it comes to friends without realizing it.

When I connect with someone on a two-way network, in my mind that is a kind of contract. A social contract. It has no legal weight, but it does come with a kind of common law expectation. I agree with this relationship with you with the understanding that it is reciprocal. If I thought you would sneak around at night, I probably wouldn’t connect with you (as you probably wouldn’t with me).

So, as I said on Twitter, despite having done this a couple of times, I’m resolving never to do it again. I hope you take the same resolution. Because, as I’m going to point out in a book I’m working on, these are real people. Don’t be surprised when someone takes it personally, because it is personal. Involve people.

It is one of the biggest and only differences with online relationships … its intention is absolutely evident. Either you do it or you don’t. Consequently, none of us should enter into these social contracts without accepting the obligations that accompany them. Because when you do it and then you don’t … you basically close the door to any future possibility (once the other person realizes it) … and that’s where the real loss happens.

What you think? Do your online connections owe you any explanation? Would you connect with fewer people if you knew they would know if you disconnected? Have you ever notified someone that you were logging out?

PS: And yes, due to the structure of Twitter, you can find out who has unfollowed you by using a variety of third-party tools that will monitor your followers and periodically compare them.