A therapist’s guidelines for a great first date
* Safety First – Before you go to this appointment, make sure you have thought about who will be in control at what times and in what situations. You don’t want to be caught fighting with yourself over a decision when you have to make one. Decide in advance which behaviors and situations will be acceptable to you and which ones will not. As long as you feel comfortable and feel that your limits have not been crossed, you can relax and enjoy the moment. However, once a line is crossed, you need to be willing to take control of yourself and not just accept something that is uncomfortable, unacceptable, or dangerous to you.
Here are some ways to find out what your limits are beforehand.
First date or later dates
The limits will be different on the first date than on later dates. The more your date knows, the more relaxed you can be. At first, however, set the line quite high. If your new date shows signs of anger, drunkenness, hysteria, rudeness, disrespect (like leaving him alone and flirting with others), recklessness, or other embarrassing or dangerous behavior, don’t be polite or tolerant. Remember, your date is supposed to be on their best behavior, and if they tolerate this, it will only get worse.
If your date’s behavior falls out of line, don’t hesitate to leave. If you drive for both of you, tell your date that you will drive them home right away. If you’re not the one driving, tell your date that you want a ride home (unless the driver has been drinking too much), and if that doesn’t work, go home by taxi or public transportation. Yes, it is rude to leave your date, male or female, in the restaurant, in a bar, at a party or in a movie, but your date makes it necessary if they have already been rude or out of place. If the date is your thing, leave enough money to pay the check or go to the waiter before you go. If you stick to your limits on the first date, you’ll see that your date will either get the message and pass it on to someone else (bon voyage!), Or apologize and correct the unacceptable behavior.
Here’s a partial list of limits that you need to mentally set ahead of time; you don’t need to talk about them unless the lines are crossing.
Your drinking limit (drive and don’t drive)
Your date’s drinking limit (driving and not driving)
Behavioral limits (rudeness, social acceptability)
Sexual limits (don’t be pressured)
Territorial limits (do not go to dangerous places)
Distance limits (don’t stray too far from home)
* Avoid anxiety, vertigo
Your first date is exciting and energizing. Have fun and enjoy the moment, but keep in mind that if you are too excited, anxious, and dizzy, you may become too strong. Don’t let your anxiety stop your date from seeing you for real. Remember that this is only a first date and don’t get too far ahead of your fantasies. This is a crucial time to learn about this other person, so take your time and allow the relationship to develop.
* Be charming
Don’t underestimate how powerful your smile can be – wear it often, make eye contact, and keep the conversation flowing. Pay attention to what interests you in your date and show interest in their opinions, experiences and activities. Be complementary whenever possible and respond intelligently to everything that is said to you.
* Have fun, don’t get too heavy
Keep your date light and easy, and have fun. Focus on being nice, having fun, and not getting too far ahead of the relationship, and you’ll be great company. Be careful not to soliloquize, don’t talk too much about a particular topic without inviting a comment from your date.
* Keep the conversation interesting, light, without deep secrets
You can talk about anything, including your personal lives, past relationships, and love in general, but don’t be the first to bring up intimate topics. Be careful not to intrude too much on your date’s private life and secrets, unless the information is volunteered.
* Don’t talk too much about yourself
Keep your focus on learning about your date and don’t talk too much about yourself. Distribute some information about yourself, especially if it relates to what your date says, but don’t talk endlessly about your own life, opinions, experiences, or activities. Accentuate your conversation with questions: “What do you think?” “Has it been like this for you?” AND listens to the answers.
* Pay attention!!! You have things to learn here!
The most important aspect of this date, in addition to having a good time, is getting to know each other better. No matter how excited, excited, or excited you may be about this date, listening to what your date is saying, observing what you do, and understanding how your date feels are still your main goals.
* What your date thinks of you is none of your business – Your business is what you think of your date.
One of the easiest ways to lose your objectivity and balance in this is to worry about what your date thinks of you. If you spend your time essentially trying to look at yourself through the eyes of your date, guessing what he or she is seeing when he looks at you, or listening when he hears you, you will miss out on what is really going on. You are supposed to evaluate the other person, without thinking, positively or negatively, about yourself. Pay attention so that you know what YOU think of your date.
Hopefully, because you’ve thought through serious issues beforehand, you’ll still be able to relax and have a good time, so well that you decide to keep dating. So you will need a whole new set of skills.