6 Strategies When Narcissists Won’t Let You Go

Beware of narcissists trying to lure you in with the vacuum cleaner. Breakups with narcissists don’t always end the relationship. Many will not let you go, even when they are the one who left the relationship, and even when they are with a new partner. They won’t accept a “no.”

They vacuum in an attempt to rekindle the relationship or remain friends after a breakup or divorce. Research has shown that narcissists and psychopaths tend to stay friends with their ex for selfish reasons. They try to stay in your life or seduce you and convince you to come back. They will do whatever it takes to lure you back.

This behavior is called hoovering after the famous Hoover vacuum cleaner, because when you are finally free from the abusive relationship, you get sucked back in.

Be prepared for a bait and switch maneuver. Being expert manipulators, narcissists know your vulnerabilities.

They appeal to your emotions with cries for help, romantic gestures, messages or cards or gifts on significant dates or anniversaries. They try to seduce you with financial support, feigned compassion, pleas, jealousy, sex, words of love, or promises of reform. They may send veiled messages through social media posts, arrange “chance” meet-ups at their local hotspots, or employ “flying monkeys” (friends and family) to bid on their behalf. When that doesn’t work, they use threats, blame, and shame to wear you down.

If you still love or care for your ex and are hoping that the relationship can improve, you are vulnerable to being sucked in again. Victims of violence frequently return, only to be abused again. Do not be fooled. If you stay strong, they can show their true colors and go on the attack.

Why Hoover Narcissists
Narcissists who are motivated by power are game players, and this is just another power game. Therefore, vacuuming is completely predictable, because for narcissists relationships are transactional. They lack empathy and the ability to see you as a separate human being. Instead of desiring a relationship for sentimental reasons, they care about themselves and seek access to resources, such as sex, money, information, status, or love. Its impetus is pragmatic and its own dependency.

They need their narcissistic supply. His fragile ego needs constant reassurance and attention to avoid feeling his inner emptiness, like a vampire who sucks the blood of his victims, and they need a lot of it. Male narcissists, in particular, may go from one woman to another for validation and/or sex.

Also, if it wasn’t your decision to leave, you can’t tolerate rejection. Due to their underlying shame and insecurity, they find it humiliating. Instead of accepting that you “resign”, they go on the offensive and “fire” you. Likewise, they often spread lies by murdering your character and turning family and friends against you in order to elevate themselves in the eyes of others.

Once they are gone, in order to regain their self-esteem and power, they may try to win you back. Just knowing that you think of them or will talk to them soothes their bruised ego. If you go back, as soon as they feel safe, they’ll take you down or split up to reverse the narrative.

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Vacuuming can be very harmful. Narcissists confuse you with lies and distortions to enlighten you for their own ends. It perpetuates the narcissistic abuse you have endured. Due to the dynamics of the previous relationship, you may be easily swayed by false promises, gestures, fear, or threats if you don’t agree, or you may succumb to shame and guilt that you have been made to feel so unworthy and lucky. have your ex back in your life. His vulnerability is increased through the bond with the trauma, which makes it very difficult to leave an abuser.

The best way to deal with flapping is to ignore it. No contact protects you and helps you recover from a breakup. That includes not looking at photos or social media accounts of your ex. A narcissist may escalate the aspiration, then lose interest after a while, only to resurface a year or more later when she needs it.

If you have to communicate, for example, you have business matters or children in common, become a gray rock. This removes any incentive for a narcissist to pursue you romantically. Communicate only in writing. Stay to the point, keep it short and impersonal, and don’t laugh or smile at his jokes or attempts to flirt or cajole you.

Be careful about idealizing your ex or romanticizing the relationship. Arm your psyche so as not to fall into false expressions of love, seduction or lies about yourself and the relationship. Remember your unhappiness and any abuse you suffered.

It is important to unravel the truth from the lies so that you learn to trust yourself again and not question your own perceptions. Resist any attempt to distort the past. Write a story about what really happened and why you were unhappy.

Get professional help to restore your self-confidence and heal PTSD and relationship wounds from childhood.

Write down your feelings about the narcissist’s behavior and associate them with family members and memories from your past. If you can make a connection, when you miss your ex, shift your mind back to your childhood feelings.

Remember that narcissism is a personality disorder. A narcissist will not change for you and certainly not without years of focused therapy. You have to put yourself first and raise your self-esteem.

© Darlene Lancer 2021