What happens when a husband blocks and a wife criticizes?

Every time Faye tried to talk to her husband Ed about problems in the marriage, he refused to talk about the problems. Either he changed the subject or he said, “Not now, Faye.”

If he was cornered, Ed would look at Faye with an unchanging facial expression as she spoke, then walk away without saying anything. He refused to cooperate with anything she suggested to improve her communication.

Ed’s attempts to obstruct Faye’s efforts and his determination to block or avoid discussions he did not want to participate in are examples of behavior called “obstruction.” Someone who blocks uses delaying tactics to delay or obstruct another person’s efforts and plans.

Faye was continually frustrated by Ed’s blockages whenever she tried to address marital difficulties. As she repeatedly hit the wall of her resistance, she became more critical of Ed both in private and in public.

She told him that he was selfish, selfish, and uncooperative. After a while, she found it hard to remember the good points about him and focused more and more on the negative traits about him. The more blocked she felt in her efforts to get him involved in trying to improve the marriage, the more critically she threw herself in her direction.

As a result, the marriage became unrewarding and unsatisfying for both Faye and Ed, and they lost their sense of connection. The relationship continued to spiral, fueled by negativity and resentment. Faye has finally moved out and is currently filing for divorce.

Author Malcolm Gladwell writes in his bestselling book Blink about psychologist John Gottman’s research on marital relationships. Gladwell quotes Gottman as saying, “The big gender difference with negative emotions is that women are more critical and men are more likely to obstruct. We found that women start talking about a problem, men get irritated and walk away.” , and women become more critical, and it becomes a circle.”

Therefore, it is important to understand the cycle of obstruction and criticism and what keeps the negativity circulating in the relationship. It’s natural to experience frustration when all efforts to do something useful are blocked, but the natural reaction of becoming more critical only makes the situation worse.

The other spouse is already resistant and uncooperative, and heaping a lot of criticism on your head won’t help. He’ll probably just dig his heels in deeper and push back even more forcefully at any attempt to force him to do what he doesn’t want to do.

Wives often don’t realize the damage that an overabundance of criticism can do to a relationship. They see themselves trying to goad the husband for her own good and the health of the marriage: worthy goals, but ones that will not be achieved by judgment. Criticism makes the spouse feel unappreciated, discouraged, and negative toward the marriage.

Husbands, on the other hand, often don’t realize the damage they are doing to the marriage by obstructing the wife’s attempts to improve the relationship. Meeting resistance over and over again is daunting and frustrating. It fosters resentment, anger, and bitterness, three feelings that can be toxic to a relationship.

Stonewalling tactics are designed to make the other person back down and stop making their request. However, the wife may decide not only to stop suggesting improvements in the marriage, but she may decide to withdraw emotionally from the marriage. This makes it much more likely that she will begin to feel disconnected and separate from her spouse and from the marriage.

Here are seven recommendations to help you:

1. If your spouse always obstructs your attempts to get her to open up, give her a handwritten letter outlining your concerns and fears that she will eventually give up on the marriage if this continues. State that you value the marriage and want it to be of the highest quality and satisfying for both of you, but that you need their input and help.

two. Resist the natural reaction of criticizing in return. A quote from Elizabeth Harrison reminds us that “Those who are lifting the world up and forward are those who encourage rather than criticize.”

Criticism dampens spirits and discourages future efforts. Notice how your spirit tends to shrivel when criticized and blossom when praise or encouragement is offered. We expect to spend time with people who appreciate our efforts, and we tend to avoid people who criticize us.

3. Avoid criticism and instead look for your spouse’s positive traits and actions. Show appreciation for what he is doing that is good and useful. Pay attention and be on the lookout for behaviors that you can honestly and sincerely praise, no matter how insignificant it may seem.

When problems arise in a marriage, the fun and laughter often quickly disappear, and with them the satisfying feeling of connection. Work on restoring a sense of fun and appreciation for each other and don’t dwell on problem areas at this time. There is more than one way to achieve a goal, and in some situations, the indirect way leads to greater success than the direct approach.

Four. Once the emotional climate in your relationship has improved and you’ve built up your goodwill account in the relationship bank, then you’ll be in a better position to politely and respectfully ask for your help in finding ways to help both of you maintain that loving relationship. . feeling more of the time.

5. If all else fails, you can ask him if he would do you the favor of going to therapy with you so you can share what you have observed about his behavior. That way, the therapist will know better how to help you be less judgmental.

Don’t mention his obstructionist behavior or the fact that he needs to change too. Keep the focus on yourself and how you want to change. This tactic could get you into the counseling office where it increases the chance that you may become vicariously involved in the counseling process.

6. If you’re a stonewalling spouse and you’ve recognized yourself in this article, it’s time to take a closer look at how this behavior is endangering your marriage.

It’s also time to take a close look at your relationship goals for the present and the future. Do you want a love-filled marriage that will be fulfilling for you and your spouse for years to come? And is your behavior helping you achieve your goals?

7. If you decide you want to change your behavior, you’ll make faster progress with the help of a marriage counselor. The counselor will be in a better position to help his wife be less judgmental as well.

Spouses often seem to “hear” each other better in a counselor’s office, and it is helpful to have objective feedback from a neutral third party. After all, why go it alone when a trained professional can use his experience to guide him through the constructive changes he needs to make? It just makes sense to use every resource available, especially when it comes to something as important as your marriage.