My husband/wife does not want to go to marriage counseling – what should I do?

“My husband does not want to go to marriage therapy, I am desperately unhappy, what should I do?”
“My wife refuses to talk to anyone, says we can’t help, it’s too late. Shall I give up?”

These are statements I hear over and over again, and to be honest, I don’t blame a husband or wife if they don’t believe in traditional couples therapy. Statistics report that 75% of people who see marriage counselors are worse off or divorce later. An alarming statistic, right?

This is because the traditional marriage counseling model of going over the same issues, sharing where your spouse has hurt, angry, or betrayed you only ignites more fear, hostility, and hopelessness. Instead of what many married couples need when experiencing marital problems is an action plan, steps to move forward instead of dwelling in the past. That’s why I spent years developing a marriage savings program that works.

But, leaving that aside. Let’s say your marriage is falling apart, tension and distance are mounting, and your husband/wife is not getting help or listening to anyone or anything. What do you do for a living?

Well, from my point of view, you have 3 options if you find yourself in a struggling marriage.

1. Getting a divorce will inevitably be painful, stressful, and expensive for everyone involved.
2. Harden the marriage without working to improve it. Where you decide to accept that life, love and marriage have to be like this forever or at least until your children are a certain age.
3. Face the fact that things are not working maturely. You are miserable and you may have to start saving your marriage on your own.

If this is your situation, let me tell you that it is possible to save your marriage on your own. I see women and men single-handedly change things all the time. You don’t need two to tango… this is a myth. In most forms of dancing Tango, Salsa, Ballroom, Bachata, one person (typically the man) leads the other. Saving your marriage works the same way, all it takes is one person to lead, take action, and decide they want to be happy. You make up 50% of the marriage and with the right attitude and intention, you can have an 80% to 90% influence.

So what do you do if your partner refuses marriage counselling?

Accept it.

Never pressure or force them to join relationship counselling, they will resist and may even go out of their way to be right and prove it doesn’t work. This will definitely be a waste of time and money. Instead, accept it and ask them if they mind if you start working on your side of the relationship with a program or an expert.

Those who start working on their marriage find that their spouse, who was not interested at first, becomes interested. It’s hard not to be curious when you see a change in your husband or wife’s behavior.

It’s important to remember that people rarely make lasting changes because they want to, or are trying to make them, in order to make lasting change in your husband or wife, you need to inspire them, motivate them, go first.

There is nothing worse than wanting a change for yourself and for life but believing that it is not possible because your happiness and achieving the change depends on someone else.

Your happiness is not up to you, so it is your responsibility to learn the skills to help yourself and your marriage. Women and men, who had tried to ignore warning signs, tried to pretend they were okay without communication, affection, or attraction for years, finally snapped. When I witness the snap happen, spouses go one of two ways: straight to divorce or they seek to make a difference themselves.

The next most common marriage counseling objection after “I don’t think marriage counseling works” is “we must be able to solve our problems on our own” or “private matters should be kept private.”

THIS IS THE THING, waiting for the situation to improve or change will not work as a strategy to save your marriage. Many people find that their relationship only gets worse when left unattended.

Don’t let yourself down. Your relationship, love, trust, respect can be built… so start building it today.

Do not postpone something as important as your marriage and your happiness.