It is what it is – The art of letting go
About a year and a half ago, I apparently adopted “It is what it is” as a personal mantra. I use the word “apparently” because I certainly didn’t realize it at the time. Obviously I heard it somewhere, not sure where, but I heard it and it went into that expansive, random region called my brain. I started saying it more and more often, and then I started hearing it ALL the time. It was delivered on almost every television channel, radio station and even by a preacher from the pulpit. I’m sure that further entrenched him in my vernacular. Some of those closest to me resisted its profound simplicity and grew increasingly irritated with how often I invoked it, especially when I would not do so knowingly when I heard someone else defend it so wisely.
A frequent argument from those who came to hate the phrase was “That’s so defeatist. That’s like giving up.” They were right. I agreed, on the giving up part anyway. We seem to disagree about the benefit of letting some things slide. I don’t declare that things are what they are simply because I don’t want to do anything to change them. Anyone who knows me knows that normally it would serve as a great motivation: the idea of changing something that was believed immutable. Nor do I proclaim, “It is what it is” as a rejection of my abilities to enact universal change or a statement that reflects apathy.
For me, stating that something “is what it is” is an acknowledgment of my identity as a mortal. It is a statement of humility. It is the acknowledgment and acceptance that I am not so amazing that I can bend any and all things to my will whenever I want, nor do I believe that my path is always the best. I compare this prayer to the principles of the Serenity Prayer. If it belongs to you and you don’t like it, change it. If it belongs to someone else and you don’t like it, find a way to live with it or let it go because it’s not yours to play with anyway. And learn where these limits are in yourself, in your relationships, in life.
I have found this phrase coming back to me over and over again in the clients I work with in my practice. I encourage all of my clients to seek their responsibility in situations, to hold themselves accountable, and then to only accept responsibility for what is theirs and what they can change if they choose. As for the rest… let it go. It is what it is. It is not yours; therefore, it is not yours to fix.
“It is what it is” is not defeatist, lazy or apathetic. It is responsible, healing and liberating. At least that has been my experience, and the experience of several others. If what you’re doing now doesn’t work, try it. Serenity now!