How to Deal With the Death of a Loved One – A True Story
Back in 2003 my son Garret Fifita past away in St. George Ut while my husband and I were at a convention just 5 min away from the condominium. Garret was born Oct 9 2003 and he past away Nov 20 of 2003. I will never forget the moment when our names were announced for us to report to back of the stage. A police officer was standing in the dark as the noise in the background started to fade away. My heart started to pound faster as I got closer to where the police officer was standing. He told us to follow him to the hospital that something had happen to our son.
Earlier that evening I did not sit still at the convention. I told my husband I felt something was wrong. That we should go to the condominium and check on the kids. We were in charge of the group of attendees that went to the convention. We felt we were obliged to stay at the convention. My husband said not to worry everything was okay. I got up several times every 2 to 5 min walking out to the lobby to call the condominium where the kids were. There still was no answer. As I walked into the convention, I saw my brother Wil he had just returned from dropping off his son at the condominium. I asked him how was Garrett and the other kids. He said they were fine and that Garrett was sleeping in the bedroom. I felt at ease and started to relax until the announcement of our names on the intercom.
As we got to the hospital, we rushed into the emergency. The police officer took us to the waiting room. We sat quietly hoping that everything was okay. The doctor walked into the room a woman with dark brown hair. We immediately jumped up. She asked us to sit down and she grabbed my hands. I asked her how is he. She looked down and said, “We did everything we can but we could not save him.” I started to cry. The guilt of how I should have went home and checked up on him when I felt something was wrong. She took us to Garrett’s hospital room. As we walked into the room, his tiny body was wrapped in a hospital blanket and laying on the bed. He had a tube coming out of his mouth from him. I fell on my knees and started to wail like a baby. I have never in my life experienced a loss of a loved one before. I crawled on the floor touching the walls and crawled over to his bed. My Husband Oliv’e rushed over and held me up. I got up and picked up Garret’s little body from him. I held him close to me and rocked him back and forth.
Garrett was berried in Utah at Redwood Mortuary. I can still remember as Garret’s coffin was lowered into the grave. Paul my eldest son was standing in front of me. As everyone walked to the grave and threw a rose into the ground. He turned to me and said with tears streaming down his checks “Why are they putting Garret into the ground? He is going to be cold” as his voice quivers when he cried. I grabbed him and held him tight and just cried. I realized that we were all going through the loss.
It has been well over five years and this is the first time I have been able to get the courage to write about it. I hope this will help anyone who has experienced a death of a loved one. In addition, even those who have not yet experienced it to prepare you for it. We pulled together as a couple and a family to survive it. Here are four things we did and we hope it will help you. First, pray and trust God, Second forgive and not blame, Third love and comfort each other, and Fourth seek good books for knowledge.
Trust God.
We immediately turn to God for answers. We prayed together and by ourselves for answers. We knew that if we did not trust in God our family would fall apart. Our love for each other was tested to the max. This event had taken us over to the edge of despair. We could not function. All of our duties to our children went on a Holt. Our children went to California with my parents and my inlaws to give us space to recover. Which was a mistake? I missed them more and it was harder to deal with Garrett’s death. As we returned to work, we could not concentrate. I went to the temple of my church (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints) in American Fork and prayed to God with all my heart to help me through it.
On Garrett’s death certificate, it said (cause of death pending). It was hard not knowing the cause of his death from him. We found out how he died months later. The investigator on our case called me. I was home alone when I got the call. I heard his voice on the other end “Mrs. Fifita are you sitting down I have some news on your son. It is good news! We have some closure on his death. We know how your son died but please sit down because it will not be easy for you to take. I sat down on the stairs as he explained to me that my son had died of Shaken Baby Syndrome.
A 10-year-old boy who was at the condominium shook him. The babysitter was sleeping when it happened. I started to cry. I felt the remorse came over me again. All the pain that I felt the day of his death from him was than once remembered. The image of Garrett came to my mind when I saw him in the hospital room the day he died.
My husband was strong he turned to God to ease my pain. Which I would be forever greatfull for his strength and faith in God. When my faith started to drift. His prayers from him held us together. It was hard and I knew it was hard for him to deal with me because of the emotional depression I was going through. It was hard for him to deal with it as much as it was hard for me. I truly believe if you trust in God he will help you and bring you peace.
Forgive and not Blame
This was the hardest and most critical part of dealing with death. We were a young couple Paul was 5 years old, Sarah was 4 years old and Lesila was almost two. I spent the first couple of years blaming my husband for the loss of our son. Oliv’e never gave in to my bitterness and anger. Many times, I wonder why he did not just throw in the towel. He would constantly remind me that Garrett had a purpose and he fulfilled it. He had a dream that Garrett came to him in his dream of him he was about 18 years old very handsome and tall. Garrett stood by him and told him not to worry about him that he is okay. My husband’s words were of comfort to my growing soul.
I would blame myself for not being there for Garrett and not being a good mother. As the years pass, I realize that Garrett wants me to forgive myself and focus on the other children and that he is okay.
When the investigator called me and told me about the cause of Garret’s death. He had asked me if I wanted to press charges against the 10-year-old boy. I said No! I had spoken to the boy’s aunt a couple of weeks earlier. She had called me and was scared. She said that the Investigators wanted to put her nephew on a lie detector and she pleaded with me to tell them not too. I told her everything would be okay that I needed to know how Garrett died and if I talked to her nephew about her everything will be okay. I asked her to call her nephew to the phone that I wanted to talk to him. As the ten-year boy came to the phone. I said his name to him and asked him if he loved Garrett. His thin voice from him on the other end said yes. I said to him “I know you loved Garrett. Right now Garret wants to rest and go to sleep. That all he needs to do is tell the investigators everything that happened that night. I told him that I love him and that Garret loves him I asked him if he would tell the truth. He said “yeah”. As his Aunt got back on the phone, I told her everything would be okay.
Years later I asked Paul who was a little older at that time when Garrett past away to explain to me what had happened that night. All he remembers was Garrett was crying from the bedroom. He went into the room and saw his face turning blue. He woke up the babysitter and the babysitter called the police. I asked him if the 10-year-old boy or any children went into the room where Garrett was sleeping. He said “No one went in the room or near the room.” This had given me comfort, which I now know that my son died peacefully. Despite what the investigators told me. I truly feel that my son Paul told me that truth and I know that the 10-year-old boy did not do anything to my baby Garrett.
Love and Comfort Each Other
When a family member dies all you can do is comfort each other. My husband was my greatest comfort. He did not once blame me for the death of our son. It is sometimes hard to deal with death when a spouse blames another spouse for the death of a family member. I have also learned of situations if not caught early in the process a death of a child can put a lot of pressure on a married couple. Where there are instances they get into a divorce hoping to find peace. Not realizing that this makes it harder to cope with the pain. If not careful, sometimes it can push it to the point when death tends to over power every capacity of our lives and if not carefully taken care off a person can drown in depression.
The best thing that you can do when you loose a family member is to comfort each other. When the other spouse is angry and depressed just comfort them. I started to neglect the other children getting away from home by working many hours to cope with the pain. All you can do is comfort them and tell them to bless their brother Garrett. Every night it brought comfort to our little family as we blessed him in our prayers. My children were also a comfort to me when I needed it the most. They would openly say what was in my heart. That they miss Garrett through their words it comforted me deep down to my soul.
Immediate family members can be cruel at times saying things like “your cursed and that your bad parents”. These are painful words and it is not until you are faced with death you will not know how much these words hurt you. As immediate family members, you need to comfort those who are in pain by words of encouragement and love. Not words of judgment and criticism. God is loving and he will only give us these challenges to make us strong. There are times that people tend to be happy when bad things happen to other people. All I ask is to consider the feelings of those who lost a family member. Your words can hurt someone who is seeking comfort and can lead to destruction of their soul and their family.
Seek Good Books
During the times I lost my son, I studied books of religion for comfort. From a young age, I learned that reading good books could help me to cope with life. I studied the scriptures every morning and during lunch, while I was in high school. Doing this had made me strong to withstand all the issues that teenagers go through. I later realize that by reading it will help me during the most challenging times in my life.
We berried ourselves in reading different books from leaders in our religion and reading the scriptures. One particular book was a great comfort to us Doctrine of Salvation Volume 2, which was compiled by Bruce R. McConkie writing of Joseph Fielding Smith it states “Children who die do not grow in the grave. They will come forth with their bodies as they were laid down, and they will grow to the full stature of manhood or womanhood after resurrection, but all will have their bodies fully restored.” We learned that if we live worthy that God would give us an opportunity to raise our son again. This gave us great comfort to know that God is a loving father that we have to do our part in order to see Garrett again. We also believe that death is temporary that we will see and live with our son Garrett again.
Now 5 years later we now have a son running around jumping from one couch to another terrorizing his older brother and sisters. God later blessed us with a son, which we named after his brother de el Garret who would be 5 years old by now. Garret #2 is the opposite from his brother. He is very loud and a little menace that will be turning two in a couple of months. His older brother of him was a quiet little boy. Garret #2 is a blessing to our family. Both Garretts’ complete our family.
These four things helped us cope with his death. I hope and pray this article will help bring peace and comfort to all who read it. Especially for those who lost a loved one. Please do share our story with others to bring them comfort and peace before it is too late.